• Written, directed, and performed by Jess Dobkin [excerpt from the full performance]. Everything I've Got is included in the anthology, Animal Acts: Performing Species Now, edited by Una Chaudhuri and Holly Hughes and published by University of Michigan Press. Performances staged at the University of Michigan's Duderstadt Media Center, March 21-23, 2013.

Transcript

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    I have an idea for a performance
    where I give birth here on stage.

    2
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    >> [LAUGH]
    >> You can purchase advanced tickets and

    3
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    then you'll be on call.

    4
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    >> [LAUGH]
    >> We're gonna have a good old fashion

    5
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    phone tree.

    6
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    Do you remember phone trees?

    7
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    >> Yeah.

    8
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    >> And then when I go into labor,

    9
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    the audience will assemble here at
    the theater and I will do it for you.

    10
    00:00:29.801 --> 00:00:33.151
    >> [LAUGH]
    >> Well, for the baby and me, but

    11
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    you can watch.

    12
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    I had planned to do this performance when
    I was pregnant with my daughter.

    13
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    But, she tried to come out of my asshole,
    >> [LAUGH]

    14
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    >> Instead of my vagina,

    15
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    like babies are supposed to.

    16
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    So I had to perform at
    the hospital instead.

    17
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    And in those long grueling
    hours of the night,

    18
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    when she was crowning out of my ass,
    >> [LAUGH]

    19
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    >> I thought to myself,

    20
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    oh, now I get how women die in childbirth.

    21
    00:01:02.295 --> 00:01:06.111
    >> [LAUGH]
    >> I didn't die in childbirth, but

    22
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    it turns out I am going to die.

    23
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    >> [LAUGH]
    >> Or, as my girlfriend,

    24
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    who isn't my girlfriend anymore.

    25
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    Who is supposed to be my
    girlfriend right now and

    26
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    sit out there in the audience with you and
    be really encouraging.

    27
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    She doesn't say it turns out,
    she says actually.

    28
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    Actually, I'm going to die and
    it turns out she's not here.

    29
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    Well, let's see who is here.

    30
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    Everything I’ve Got the Facebook event page.

    31
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    >> [LAUGH]
    >> Alvis Parsley.

    32
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    >> [LAUGH]
    >> Alvis Parsley.

    33
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    Are you here?

    34
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    >> [LAUGH]

    35
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    >> Chelsea licked a woman.

    36
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    >> [LAUGH]
    >> Chelsea, are you in the house?

    37
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    >> [LAUGH]

    38
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    >> Amy Youngs?

    39
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    Amy?

    40
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    I have an idea for a performance,
    where I show you pictures of everything

    41
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    that I would show my girlfriend,
    if I had one.

    42
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    >> [LAUGH].

    43
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    >> What is that?

    44
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    >> That's the quiche I made.

    45
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    >> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
    >> These two strawberries were

    46
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    in the same box of strawberries
    that I purchased at Fruit King.

    47
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    You can see they have a really unusual shape.

    48
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    >> [LAUGH]

    49
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    >> And this,

    50
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    this Canada Goose was walking
    across the highway all by itself.

    51
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    Just walking across the highway.

    52
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    >> Why?

    53
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    >> Music, please.

    54
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    [MUSIC]

    55
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    >> [LAUGH]

    56
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    >> I have an idea for

    57
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    a performance where I organize a press
    conference for the breakup with my girlfriend.

    58
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    Clear the air,
    get it all out there in the open.

    59
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    I’ll write a press release and
    invite the media.

    60
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    [MUSIC]

    61
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    Testimony will be given,
    statements made, questions addressed,

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    perhaps a photo opportunity.

    63
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    The stickiest questions will
    be handled by my publicist.

    64
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    [MUSIC]

    65
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    The sticky questions:

    66
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    Why don't you talk to your sister? Who's
    buying you all those designer clothes?

    67
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    How did you get pregnant?

    68
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    [MUSIC]

    69
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    [SOUND]
    >> [LAUGH]

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    >> I have an idea for

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    a performance working with sperm donor
    audio interviews that I've downloaded from

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    online sperm banks.

    73
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    >> [LAUGH]
    >> I've been working on this project for

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    three years now.

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    I hope I get to finish it,
    because the grant report is due.

    76
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    >> [LAUGH]

    77
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    [MUSIC]

    78
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    >> My parents taught me to be
    >> responsible and

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    to work really hard to make my own money,
    and not depend on other people.

    80
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    They taught me to think for
    myself, make my own decisions.

    81
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    >> I admire different people for
    different characteristics,

    82
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    but as far as a whole person perhaps,

    83
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    it's been awhile but
    >> the late Russian president Gorbachev.

    84
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    And his efforts

    85
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    to bring his country into the western
    world and that sort of thing.

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    >> Dan Raziro 834.

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    >> Most free time, I prefer to be
    by myself whether it's reading or

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    working on something
    >> you know like a

    89
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    personal growth type thing.

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    >> For my 30th birthday,
    my wife was my date.

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    She wasn’t my wife back then.

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    It was my first date with her.

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    All my friends were also there.

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    And they got to meet her for
    the first time.

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    And it was nice.

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    And of course,
    we ended up getting married.

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    which was even nicer.

    98
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    >> I had a rabbit as a pet.

    99
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    His name was Harvey, he was gray.

    100
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    And he used to get out of his cage all
    the time and go hide under the bed.

    101
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    And I'd have to go fish him out.

    102
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    >> Donor 2724.
    On if he had to choose a different career.

    103
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    >> If I had to choose a different career,
    I would probably be a veterinarian.

    104
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    >> My daughter loves animals.

    105
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    My wife hates animals.

    106
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    So we really don't have many animals,
    but it's kind of intriguing

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    to see my daughter interact with animals,
    being that my wife has so

    108
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    much fear and my daughter doesn't,
    so it’d be kinda cool.

    109
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    >> Do you think that someone who looked
    at your donor profile, including all

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    of the information on it, would get a good
    picture of what kind of person you are?

    111
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    >> Probably not.

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    [SOUND]
    >> [LAUGH]

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    >> My neighbors are particularly curious

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    about my daughter's conception.

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    They've never seen me with a man.

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    I happen to be a gold star lesbian. I am.

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    Assuming you don't count getting raped,
    right?

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    Does that count?

    119
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    If getting raped doesn't count,
    then I'm gold star.

    120
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    And I have this idea for a performance where
    at last, I lose my gold star status.

    121
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    I will conduct interviews to find
    the right man to deflower me.

    122
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    I want him to be very average.

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    Is that hard to find?

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    >> [LAUGH]
    >> I've never looked for a man before.

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    And when I find him,
    we will fuck in front of you.

Everything I've Got [excerpt]

From Animal Acts: Performing Species Today edited by Una Chaudhuri and Holly Hughes


Creator
Subjects
  • Theatre and Performance
  • Cultural Studies
  • Literary Studies
Date
  • March 23, 2013
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Rights Granted
  • © Jess Dobkin
Credit Line
  • Written, directed, and performed by Jess Dobkin [excerpt from the full performance]. Everything I've Got, March 21-23, 2013. © Jess Dobkin. Used with permission.
Holding Contact
  • Jess Dobkin
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File Format
  • mp4 (ISO Media, MPEG v4 system, version 2, ISO Media, MP4 Base Media v1 [IS0 14496-12:2003])
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  • 110 MB
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  • video/mp4
Last Modified
  • 2017-02-24T14:59:06Z
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  • 9dba1f127d4135a46fb41c7bc6550d73